Today I'm sat in my room, cross legged, watching the tv...a pretty non eventful evening really. Like many women I'm not particularly happy with myself, I avoid the woman in the bathroom mirror (whoever she is) and don't blame the men I like for not returning my feelings...I think lonely would be an understatement.
I wouldn't say that I'm unattractive, sometimes we'll go out and I'll feel great. 5ft 10 and a size 14/16, I'd say I'm pretty average...But sometimes, when I'm around my 5ft 7 size 10 friends, it's all just such a struggle, I dance away with them, the bubbly funny one, and I hate it. When I was slimmer if someone looked at me I'd think maybe I'd done something right, now they look at me for different reasons and I know. Where did my confidence go?
So what was different about tonight that made me start this? It was my friends birthday yesterday and we made him a massive chocolate cake, I didn't want any and wasn't particularly tempted so went on my merry way. Then when I returned home this evening the house was empty and I thought 'I'll just have a small piece, just one bit, a taste'...before I knew it one largish piece had turned into two and completely stuffed I came into my room to lay on my bed. Flicking through the channels I came across a programme called "I'm a Child Anorexic" and I felt sick and instantly disgusted with myself. These children were suffering in totally the opposite way to me, they couldn't eat and I couldn't stop it.
I'm going to try and do something but I've had about a million 'Right ok I'm going to do this...' Monday Mornings, and part of me questions what the point is. Why start when I shall fail? So that's why I'm doing this, to give myself some focus, to make me accountable to someone, so that someone - even it is just me - can say enough now, stop it, you deserve more...
In the grand scheme of things this isn't important, there are people struggling with far worse problems every day...but this is what I'm searching for...
x
